Mormons lead the way in the corporate world

I do not hate Mormons. I don't even dislike Mormons. However, it's difficult for me to understand the ridiculous beliefs of Mormons in the modern world and their determination to adhere to outdated views despite their obvious shortcomings and descrepancy to the modern world. In this I can never mean that modernity offers an inkling of spiritual wealth, we are as spiritually poor as ever and I guess that's one of the better enticement to joining the Church of Latter Day Saints. With everything going 100 mph or faster in our lives, this church offers a slowdown of sorts, a step back to change one's life towards the benefits of a welcoming Mormon church (and its archaic tithe). Whatever one can get in the Mormon church that they can't get elsewhere (maybe its polygamy or ownership of women) is a mystery but the Mormons I know don't know how to enjoy themselves.



In a recent report on the news, it showed that significant numbers of companies are run by a CEO or CFO that subscribes to the Mormon faith. Hollywood Video, Jetblue Airlines among several other well-known companies are headed by Mormons. The reasons why Mormons excel included: Tithing their salary with the Mormon church (mandatory donation of 10% of salary to the church), their abstinence from alcohol consumption, their two-year mission to convert non-believers and lastly their commitment to family on Sundays. They put their commitment to family and religion above their job, but are willing to work extended hours of their time during the week (non-sunday) with complete devotion and no distraction.



There was a few quotes from the Mormon exec that killed me. The first one; "Are they going to choose the guy with an alcoholic drink in his hand at the company dinner to lead the company?" Since when does loosening up a company dinner negate one's ability to manage and lead a company? The second one involved participation in church on Sunday mentoring church members as opposed to watching football. "Leadership skills are developed with constant reinforcement; what kind of leadership skills can be developed from clicking the TV remote on Sundays?" This one made me realize why I hate Corporations as an entity. Mormons now control some of the most powerful organizations in the world and they're led with the same self-righteousness that corporate yes-men use to intimidate and guilt workers to devote many more hours to satisfy "corporate" needs rather than devote the same extra hours to their friends and family (their life!). It's a relief that some of these initiatives and directives are coming from the purest hearts of the world rather than the rest of us filth that thinks that 8-5 is time enough for making money for someone else.



I apologize if this makes me look like I dislike Mormons. I actually like some Mormons that I have met, but I perceive the same condescension from all. While I can stand it on an eye to eye level, when hearing this holier-than-thou from a Mormon corporate exec, and knowing from personal experience the corporate culture, it makes me cringe to think that Morman values run (or ruin?) regular people's lives.

AC Milan defeats Liverpool in Champions League Championship

Seeing the cheap first goal scored by AC Milan and watching my favorite European football (soccer) team lose in the final today was difficult, not because I am an avid EPL fan or even that invested in how Liverpool does, but after watching 90 minutes of soccer and becoming attached to Liverpool and concerned for the outcome, the loss was disappointing. Italian calcio, with the help of the Brazilian star Kaka and Filippo Inzaghi's two scores, played in its normal strong form. With the World Cup '06 under its belt and the Champions League owned by its best team in Milan, Italians are on top of the world. Steven Gerrard and Liverpool just couldn't mount a two goal comeback in the last 10 minutes of the game even with the header netted by Dirk Kuyt in the 89th minute. Too little, too late. I would have liked to have seen more of Peter Crouch, the CL's leading scorer who was substituted way too late for any real impact. A third place finish in the EPL behind Chelsea and Champion Manchester United and runner up to AC Milan in the Champions League final certainly points to a successful season, but losing in the Championship for the last game is always a disappointing finish.

Here and Gone

I had known the man scarcely a few hours and spoken only a few words to him today at the business meeting but I found myself clutching at his wrists hoping, praying that he would hold on. I had never seen someone die before, atleast in the flesh, but I can say that no more. With a few moments of indecision, I knew I had to try. We assumed he had a massive heart attack and with a colleague's help, actually more like me helping the colleague, we gave the man CPR in what felt like a frantic attempt to save him. His face and neck were blue and although the puffs of air helped force air into his lungs, I knew it probably wasn't going to be enough. Several of the men circling about called 911 and looked on. I could see blood down inside his throat and his blank stare reminded me that this was life and death. At intervals in the CPR, I felt his pulse in the wrist, feint but there. But then I may have kidded myself with what I thought I wanted to feel, and that pulse may have been my own heightened pulse. And more CPR.
Ambulances never come as fast as you think they should come because the moments that go by as you try to help and then those when you watch by seem to last and last. I can guiltily say that I was relieved to have the EMTs "take over" when they arrived but they never are in that big of a hurry, seemingly more interested in correct procedure than saving lives. This is not a condemnation on the part of EMTs, they are just doing their jobs and probably there is an abundance of things to recognize in treating coronary patients than frantically pushing the chest in and blowing into the mouth to play the part in front of spectators.
After the guilt of my indecision passed and other anxieties appeared, I realized I wouldnt want to have my last day living spent in a chilling room speaking about the ins and outs of stored product pest insects and mites and servicing Target superstores. Hopefully I'd be sailing the high seas or playing basketball or atleast building SimCities on my computer. Anytime but a weekday for me to go.

Best of...

I found this browsing craigslist:

Date: 2007-03-29, 1:17PM PDT

Hi, I’m your elevator. Before you ride me I'd like to give you a brief tutorial to ensure maximum enjoyment.

First, let’s talk about how to get on me.

Button Pressing: When waiting for an elevator precisely none or all of the soon-to-be riders should press the button to call for the elevator. Any number in between is unacceptable.

Holding the Door: Upon entering/exiting the elevator there shall be an understood, but unspoken, competition between male riders to see who can go to the greatest length to hold the door open. This will often result both doors being held open for an excessive period of time. The competition shall not end until a minimum of three “Go ahead”s, accompanied by head motions, have been exchanged.
Exceptions: 1. If an unsavory rider (Fat, homeless, from a rival firm etc.) is attempting to board the elevator all passengers may claim to have not seen them. In the event eye contact with the undesirable rider-to-be has been made, passengers should claim to have not been able to locate the ‘Open Door’ button in time.

Congratulations, you’ve made it on me!

Now let's discuss the correct configuration for X number of riders. There are two of you? Person A goes in the near corner, person B goes in the opposite corner, furthest from person A. This is similar to the distribution of men at public urinals. If two people know each other and the third is a stranger, the former should stand next to each other at a spot of their choosing and the latter should stand at the spot furthest from the pairing. If all thee persons are unknown to each other then they shall form an equilateral triangle with all parties as far from each other as space permits. This shall also apply to groups of three where all parties are known to each other. For groups of four each person shall stand in one corner of the elevator, regardless of relationship between the riders. In the event of a round or other oddly shaped elevator the geometric shape providing the most distance between riders shall be used. This may be a square, rectangle, parallelogram, rhombus, or trapezoid. Consult the nerdiest looking person on the elevator for guidance. For five or more people the rules are simple. The configuration of passengers is not important. All that matters is the number of people mentioning how crowded the elevator is. See Exception 4 of ‘Talking on the Elevator’

Now that we’ve got that squared away, let’s discuss situations that may arise while riding me.

Foul Odors: In the event it becomes clear that someone has passed gas or any other undesirable human generated smell is present it shall not be mentioned until all parties have exited the elevator.
Exceptions: 1. In situations where the passengers are comprised of both parties known to each other and strangers, it shall be acceptable for discussion to commence once all strangers have exited the elevator. The discussion shall be limited to blaming the strangers. 2. In social situations where all parties are male and well known to each other it shall be acceptable to fart as loudly as possible. Silent but deadly farts are not permitted.

Disabled Riders: In the event a handicapped (wheelchair bound, retarded, blind etc.) attempts to get on the elevator all parties, regardless of relationship, shall immediately cram as far back as possible. Immediate offers of assistance shall be made. After elevator riding is concluded one or more parties shall mention how noble it is of the disabled person to continue working despite their affliction. This will be done out of earshot of the person in question. (Note: One joke about the blind guy driving to work, the deaf guy answering the phone, the wheelchair guy getting the best parking spot etc. shall be permitted provided the person proffering the joke precedes it with a statement about how "he is going to hell for this")

Talking on the Elevator: There will be no talking on the elevator, even amongst persons known to each other.
Exceptions: 1. A head nod coupled with a short, but firm, "hi" is acceptable. Please note this also is similar to men’s bathroom etiquette. 2. If you are an asshole carrying a Blackberry please continue your conversation once boarding the elevator. You should be sure to double the volume of your voice. Also, sales figures should be needlessly mentioned and automatically rounded up to the nearest billion, regardless of accuracy. 3. Conversations about how there is never any conversation on elevators are permitted. Discussing the irony therein is not permitted. 4. When five or more riders are present it is mandatory to make mention of this. At least one reference to the weight/passenger limit of the elevator should be made.

Floor Requirements: All elevator riders are required to travel a minimum of 2 floors.
Ex. If you are on the first floor and you press the button for the second floor, all other passengers are entitled to give you the evil eye for the duration of the ride.
Exceptions: 1. If you are actually disabled. See section on ‘Disabled Riders’.

Eye Contact: Making prolonged eye contact on the elevator is strictly forbidden. If a rider finds himself meeting eyes with another rider both shall immediately cast their gaze upon the floor. The rider who can correctly identify the shoes of all the other riders wins.
Exceptions: 1. When two or more male passengers are known to each other, brief eye contact and a knowing smile are acceptable after an attractive female, which they have both obviously eye-fucked, exits the elevator. One of the male parties is also allowed, but not required, to proclaim “Daaamn” after the doors have fully shut. The length of the ‘aaa’ shall correspond to the hotness of the female. A vulgar explanation of “what I’d do to that ass” is also acceptable. 2. Provided there are no other passengers on the elevator, a rider is allowed to stare down the blind guy, just for shits and grins. If, through some form of extrasensory perception, the blind guy notices, he is allowed to hit the other rider with his cane or allow his dog one free bite on a body part of his choosing. 3. See ‘Floor Requirements’

Getting off: Once the rider has reached his chosen floor he should promptly exit the elevator before allowing other passengers on. It may be necessary to use elbows and/or briefcases to fend off overanxious riders-to-be. Use force liberally.
Exceptions: 1. If the hot girl from marketing is getting on the elevator it is permissible to delay exiting long enough to ‘accidentally’ brush up against her.

I hope you enjoyed riding me as much as I enjoyed being taken for a ride! Signed, Your Elevator