Here and Gone

I had known the man scarcely a few hours and spoken only a few words to him today at the business meeting but I found myself clutching at his wrists hoping, praying that he would hold on. I had never seen someone die before, atleast in the flesh, but I can say that no more. With a few moments of indecision, I knew I had to try. We assumed he had a massive heart attack and with a colleague's help, actually more like me helping the colleague, we gave the man CPR in what felt like a frantic attempt to save him. His face and neck were blue and although the puffs of air helped force air into his lungs, I knew it probably wasn't going to be enough. Several of the men circling about called 911 and looked on. I could see blood down inside his throat and his blank stare reminded me that this was life and death. At intervals in the CPR, I felt his pulse in the wrist, feint but there. But then I may have kidded myself with what I thought I wanted to feel, and that pulse may have been my own heightened pulse. And more CPR.
Ambulances never come as fast as you think they should come because the moments that go by as you try to help and then those when you watch by seem to last and last. I can guiltily say that I was relieved to have the EMTs "take over" when they arrived but they never are in that big of a hurry, seemingly more interested in correct procedure than saving lives. This is not a condemnation on the part of EMTs, they are just doing their jobs and probably there is an abundance of things to recognize in treating coronary patients than frantically pushing the chest in and blowing into the mouth to play the part in front of spectators.
After the guilt of my indecision passed and other anxieties appeared, I realized I wouldnt want to have my last day living spent in a chilling room speaking about the ins and outs of stored product pest insects and mites and servicing Target superstores. Hopefully I'd be sailing the high seas or playing basketball or atleast building SimCities on my computer. Anytime but a weekday for me to go.