Cruising in NYC

It always feels like a free-for-all driving in New York. Whether it's the Henry Hudson (9A), the Cross Bronx, the infamous BQE or the LIE, and forget about the Long Island parkways, it always feels like a mad dash for the goal line, a race to an unending finish or something from an improbable action film where the hero comes so close but never quite gets rear-ended or makes a wrong move and puts the nose of his car into a wall. That is until today, where I was driving just over on the New Jersey Pike, dreaming about the Sopranos theme song looking at the industry of Perth Amboy or whatever is over there west of the Hudson and out of nowhere, Wham... ok it wasn't a truck or a car that hit me. A rock the size of a golfball flipped up into the air from atop a small truck and smashed a small indentation into my windshield, breaking the glass and starting the dreaded spiderweb. My surprise, fear and eventual anger almost got the better of me, but I regained composure and leveled the car back in my lane and drove on. Everytime I have driven in NYC, I fear the worst and this time, although not the worst, it was certainly an inconvenience. Broken windshield in all, I lugged into my location and wiped it from my mind and dove into work.

Life is elusive

I came dangerously close to receding again in the shoadows this friday night but I decided to pull myself out of it and convince my brother and his girlfriend to go to a local bar overlooking the waterfront of RI. We had a few Sam Summers or Mojitos, chatted quietly at a plastic table and then decided mutually that our time would be better spent somewhere else, perhaps home. This is not before the crowds of moron meat-heads and chicken-heads invaded the bar and polluted the sounds of pleasant sea breeze and gentle waves crushing the rocks at the seashore with banter of the brainless, worthless drivel. And I know, because I was trying to listen. I was trying to listen to what these obnoxious fools could possibly be spewing besides their self-indulging aura.com

When leaving, my brother's girlfriend said to me, "This is really not my crowd."
I nodded and thought as I gazed back towards all the patrons gathered on the rooftop deck and could recall the few times I frequented this place as a college student and as a recent grad combing the ranks for potentials. And I realized that this wasn't my crowd anymore either. Image isn't everything.

July 4 on a Wednesday

Independence Day is synonymous with BBQ, cookouts, outdoor drinking, lawn sports and time off. When we get Independence Day on a Wednesday you get a day off in the middle of the week, hardly a relaxing bloc of days. Think about it. If the 4th falls on a Monday or Tuesday you get a long weekend that ends with a day of sun, food and drink with the festivities thrown in. If it falls on a Thursday or Friday the weekend is kicked off by a full day of party and then the rest of the weekend to duplicate. With a wednesday, its not worth expanding either weekend by taking two days off, before or after and therefore, the 4th just sits alone, with only the weight of one measley day to celebrate our nations' founding. Have fun and remember to call a cab if you have too much because the boss may not look kindly to an unplanned vacation day by reason of the ol' slammer.

Business etiquette - When does personal become private?

There is an article in today (6/26/07) in The Wall Street Journal about the guy in the office or workplace that nobody knows what he/she "does" or anything about them. Their workspace is bland, nothing is on the walls, there is no picture of a girlfriend, wife or family and no sports pennants hang in view. The non-personal worker. People in the office do not know about this person's private life because he/she chooses not to ingratiate him/herself into the workplace. They stay away from everybody else when they can, i.e. reading in the stairwell, napping during lunch break or even just deflecting or avoiding inquisition into their personal details.

The other side, in my opinion is far worse. I don't want to hear of your failing relationship, your sick brother or that painfully unfunny joke. I hate to shoot the shit with colleagues that know next to nothing about which they proclaim intimate knowledge. Your baby is not cute and I don't really want to catch a lame drink and talk more about work because you are too uninteresting to talk about anything else. Talking about work is personal for these people. And disguising the undying pretense of company loyalty is nauseating. Say what you mean! People are not made to be happy slaving away making money for big shots. So be honest and stop telling me about how early and late you arrive and leave on friday before a long weekend. Gimme a f'n break.

In a work environment, it is easy to work with colleagues that you get along with but it is undeniably harder to get work done when you get along too well (unless you work in a world where the work you do is fun and then this blog topic wouldnt appeal to you because work must be awesome! Moving on...). I keep non-work to myself and usually work away from friends and family. I don't like to talk about my wife (don't have one), my family or my weekend binge with anyone to judge my lifestyle unacceptable for the company standard. And what is that? Why should the company have any control over my image after I leave the office? Well, they do, and that's a fact. So I keep it away. And now an article chastises those of us that don't put our personal identities out there for colleagues to judge? And I am wrong? No way. Companies need to learn to respect and protect employee's personal identities in the workplace without using their wish for privacy as an excuse for denying promotions. Since when did leaving your personal life, harm rather than help your standing in the office?

Blank Minds

I apologize for my loyal readers for not publishing a new article since May 24. A few things have occurred since then that have damaged my intimate relationship with family, friends, community, society and the world. First, I saved someone’s life as readers may have read about his death in a previous May article, I found out hours later that he was revived in the hospital and that the CPR that my co-worker and I gave to the man, saved him. Next I went to Las Vegas, a city filled more with greedy décor than actual sin. Sure you can gamble and buy prostitutes, but an Adult Playground? C’mon. I had a better time on weekends in Providence than I did in Vegas. This is partly due to the fact that I lost my phone the first night (morning actually, people don’t sleep there), blew a cool grand before the second day was up, and had to gawk at thinly covered, well-heeled women all weekend that I was in no state to approach or even dream about. Honestly there was something not right. It was like looking at a GQ magazine and seeing airbrushed beauties a little too good to be true that it didn’t give me a rise. In the case of Vegas hotties, their overbearing detailed makeup hid their average appearance and highlighted their blank personalities. I have to also admit that there is a lot more to Vegas and that part of Nevada than fake hotties, blackjack and sportsbook betting and drugs/alcohol. Believe it or not there are some fabulous interiors, gorgeous nature and entertainment for all. But, for what we did, I could have stayed home. My presence there, not by intention, but by fact, brought down the rest of my company. I apologize for that. I realized that Vegas with my friends, along with Spring break-type trips with my friends do not mesh with my sense of enjoyment. I refrain from mindless hedonism and self-destructive binging even though sometimes(rarely) I take part in both. I am glad for both my buddies celebrating their bachelor parties and I did enjoy the VIP banquet of alcohol before Taiwan invaded and a troop of Chinese professional party-goers started to leach off our festive generosity. But if I had won a couple grand, of course, Vegas would have been the best ever!

I will not speak of personal details of my life on this blog, but I have been going through a rough patch with my life. A pulled hamstring, a long distance visit and the workplace have all had their tears and pulls, especially the hamstring which has sidelined me from vital exercise and physical participation. For a few months I was the walking wounded, not doing anything but for the past few, I have actively tried to rehabilitate the ripped tendon with a therapist. Flat out, no lie or joke, this has been the most psychologically damaging event in my life. Small change, right? Wrong. I have been an athlete since day one, taking my leg from me, has also ripped my self esteem, confidence and half in two. I cannot run therefore I cannot: run, jog, play any sport to the level of pre-rip, exercise in most ways, and compete in any meaningful way in physical activities. It has hastened my health decline, accelerated my weight gain and left me with only contemplations of how to reverse the course. Not to mention I see myself as some has been retard plugging away at his computer, buying plastic models and DVDs to prepare myself for my personal Dark Ages ahead, sitting in a dank, dark basement, hopped up on paints and glue, furiously recreating Peiper’s destructive foray into Stavelot in 1944, or melting into the old sheets of my bed, watching Citizen Kane for the 15th time anticipating a forlorn alternative ending. These are the days of a 27 year-old has been, hiding from the complexities of life in search of a personal nirvana that will never come. Get a life! Whoa, not that easy. I feel like I am in a “chase” dream where no matter how fast I try to run I can’t get away, and in this case, no matter how much we all need to forge new bonds of friendships and relationships, we are mired in the past, rooted to the comforts of familiarity. I love my friends and family even more these days, but I can’t help but think that that love is actually holding me back from making my own decisions and leading my own quest for life. I hope one day, I can compartmentalize the life that was, with the life that will be and make them agree in some aspects and disagree in others, but sometimes I feel like that is an impossibility with the direction I go. In a world of passengers, I have become one, without a story and without a face in a crowd. And it’s becoming more crowded and my face is becoming more blank as time runs its unstoppable course.

Mormons lead the way in the corporate world

I do not hate Mormons. I don't even dislike Mormons. However, it's difficult for me to understand the ridiculous beliefs of Mormons in the modern world and their determination to adhere to outdated views despite their obvious shortcomings and descrepancy to the modern world. In this I can never mean that modernity offers an inkling of spiritual wealth, we are as spiritually poor as ever and I guess that's one of the better enticement to joining the Church of Latter Day Saints. With everything going 100 mph or faster in our lives, this church offers a slowdown of sorts, a step back to change one's life towards the benefits of a welcoming Mormon church (and its archaic tithe). Whatever one can get in the Mormon church that they can't get elsewhere (maybe its polygamy or ownership of women) is a mystery but the Mormons I know don't know how to enjoy themselves.



In a recent report on the news, it showed that significant numbers of companies are run by a CEO or CFO that subscribes to the Mormon faith. Hollywood Video, Jetblue Airlines among several other well-known companies are headed by Mormons. The reasons why Mormons excel included: Tithing their salary with the Mormon church (mandatory donation of 10% of salary to the church), their abstinence from alcohol consumption, their two-year mission to convert non-believers and lastly their commitment to family on Sundays. They put their commitment to family and religion above their job, but are willing to work extended hours of their time during the week (non-sunday) with complete devotion and no distraction.



There was a few quotes from the Mormon exec that killed me. The first one; "Are they going to choose the guy with an alcoholic drink in his hand at the company dinner to lead the company?" Since when does loosening up a company dinner negate one's ability to manage and lead a company? The second one involved participation in church on Sunday mentoring church members as opposed to watching football. "Leadership skills are developed with constant reinforcement; what kind of leadership skills can be developed from clicking the TV remote on Sundays?" This one made me realize why I hate Corporations as an entity. Mormons now control some of the most powerful organizations in the world and they're led with the same self-righteousness that corporate yes-men use to intimidate and guilt workers to devote many more hours to satisfy "corporate" needs rather than devote the same extra hours to their friends and family (their life!). It's a relief that some of these initiatives and directives are coming from the purest hearts of the world rather than the rest of us filth that thinks that 8-5 is time enough for making money for someone else.



I apologize if this makes me look like I dislike Mormons. I actually like some Mormons that I have met, but I perceive the same condescension from all. While I can stand it on an eye to eye level, when hearing this holier-than-thou from a Mormon corporate exec, and knowing from personal experience the corporate culture, it makes me cringe to think that Morman values run (or ruin?) regular people's lives.

AC Milan defeats Liverpool in Champions League Championship

Seeing the cheap first goal scored by AC Milan and watching my favorite European football (soccer) team lose in the final today was difficult, not because I am an avid EPL fan or even that invested in how Liverpool does, but after watching 90 minutes of soccer and becoming attached to Liverpool and concerned for the outcome, the loss was disappointing. Italian calcio, with the help of the Brazilian star Kaka and Filippo Inzaghi's two scores, played in its normal strong form. With the World Cup '06 under its belt and the Champions League owned by its best team in Milan, Italians are on top of the world. Steven Gerrard and Liverpool just couldn't mount a two goal comeback in the last 10 minutes of the game even with the header netted by Dirk Kuyt in the 89th minute. Too little, too late. I would have liked to have seen more of Peter Crouch, the CL's leading scorer who was substituted way too late for any real impact. A third place finish in the EPL behind Chelsea and Champion Manchester United and runner up to AC Milan in the Champions League final certainly points to a successful season, but losing in the Championship for the last game is always a disappointing finish.

Here and Gone

I had known the man scarcely a few hours and spoken only a few words to him today at the business meeting but I found myself clutching at his wrists hoping, praying that he would hold on. I had never seen someone die before, atleast in the flesh, but I can say that no more. With a few moments of indecision, I knew I had to try. We assumed he had a massive heart attack and with a colleague's help, actually more like me helping the colleague, we gave the man CPR in what felt like a frantic attempt to save him. His face and neck were blue and although the puffs of air helped force air into his lungs, I knew it probably wasn't going to be enough. Several of the men circling about called 911 and looked on. I could see blood down inside his throat and his blank stare reminded me that this was life and death. At intervals in the CPR, I felt his pulse in the wrist, feint but there. But then I may have kidded myself with what I thought I wanted to feel, and that pulse may have been my own heightened pulse. And more CPR.
Ambulances never come as fast as you think they should come because the moments that go by as you try to help and then those when you watch by seem to last and last. I can guiltily say that I was relieved to have the EMTs "take over" when they arrived but they never are in that big of a hurry, seemingly more interested in correct procedure than saving lives. This is not a condemnation on the part of EMTs, they are just doing their jobs and probably there is an abundance of things to recognize in treating coronary patients than frantically pushing the chest in and blowing into the mouth to play the part in front of spectators.
After the guilt of my indecision passed and other anxieties appeared, I realized I wouldnt want to have my last day living spent in a chilling room speaking about the ins and outs of stored product pest insects and mites and servicing Target superstores. Hopefully I'd be sailing the high seas or playing basketball or atleast building SimCities on my computer. Anytime but a weekday for me to go.

Best of...

I found this browsing craigslist:

Date: 2007-03-29, 1:17PM PDT

Hi, I’m your elevator. Before you ride me I'd like to give you a brief tutorial to ensure maximum enjoyment.

First, let’s talk about how to get on me.

Button Pressing: When waiting for an elevator precisely none or all of the soon-to-be riders should press the button to call for the elevator. Any number in between is unacceptable.

Holding the Door: Upon entering/exiting the elevator there shall be an understood, but unspoken, competition between male riders to see who can go to the greatest length to hold the door open. This will often result both doors being held open for an excessive period of time. The competition shall not end until a minimum of three “Go ahead”s, accompanied by head motions, have been exchanged.
Exceptions: 1. If an unsavory rider (Fat, homeless, from a rival firm etc.) is attempting to board the elevator all passengers may claim to have not seen them. In the event eye contact with the undesirable rider-to-be has been made, passengers should claim to have not been able to locate the ‘Open Door’ button in time.

Congratulations, you’ve made it on me!

Now let's discuss the correct configuration for X number of riders. There are two of you? Person A goes in the near corner, person B goes in the opposite corner, furthest from person A. This is similar to the distribution of men at public urinals. If two people know each other and the third is a stranger, the former should stand next to each other at a spot of their choosing and the latter should stand at the spot furthest from the pairing. If all thee persons are unknown to each other then they shall form an equilateral triangle with all parties as far from each other as space permits. This shall also apply to groups of three where all parties are known to each other. For groups of four each person shall stand in one corner of the elevator, regardless of relationship between the riders. In the event of a round or other oddly shaped elevator the geometric shape providing the most distance between riders shall be used. This may be a square, rectangle, parallelogram, rhombus, or trapezoid. Consult the nerdiest looking person on the elevator for guidance. For five or more people the rules are simple. The configuration of passengers is not important. All that matters is the number of people mentioning how crowded the elevator is. See Exception 4 of ‘Talking on the Elevator’

Now that we’ve got that squared away, let’s discuss situations that may arise while riding me.

Foul Odors: In the event it becomes clear that someone has passed gas or any other undesirable human generated smell is present it shall not be mentioned until all parties have exited the elevator.
Exceptions: 1. In situations where the passengers are comprised of both parties known to each other and strangers, it shall be acceptable for discussion to commence once all strangers have exited the elevator. The discussion shall be limited to blaming the strangers. 2. In social situations where all parties are male and well known to each other it shall be acceptable to fart as loudly as possible. Silent but deadly farts are not permitted.

Disabled Riders: In the event a handicapped (wheelchair bound, retarded, blind etc.) attempts to get on the elevator all parties, regardless of relationship, shall immediately cram as far back as possible. Immediate offers of assistance shall be made. After elevator riding is concluded one or more parties shall mention how noble it is of the disabled person to continue working despite their affliction. This will be done out of earshot of the person in question. (Note: One joke about the blind guy driving to work, the deaf guy answering the phone, the wheelchair guy getting the best parking spot etc. shall be permitted provided the person proffering the joke precedes it with a statement about how "he is going to hell for this")

Talking on the Elevator: There will be no talking on the elevator, even amongst persons known to each other.
Exceptions: 1. A head nod coupled with a short, but firm, "hi" is acceptable. Please note this also is similar to men’s bathroom etiquette. 2. If you are an asshole carrying a Blackberry please continue your conversation once boarding the elevator. You should be sure to double the volume of your voice. Also, sales figures should be needlessly mentioned and automatically rounded up to the nearest billion, regardless of accuracy. 3. Conversations about how there is never any conversation on elevators are permitted. Discussing the irony therein is not permitted. 4. When five or more riders are present it is mandatory to make mention of this. At least one reference to the weight/passenger limit of the elevator should be made.

Floor Requirements: All elevator riders are required to travel a minimum of 2 floors.
Ex. If you are on the first floor and you press the button for the second floor, all other passengers are entitled to give you the evil eye for the duration of the ride.
Exceptions: 1. If you are actually disabled. See section on ‘Disabled Riders’.

Eye Contact: Making prolonged eye contact on the elevator is strictly forbidden. If a rider finds himself meeting eyes with another rider both shall immediately cast their gaze upon the floor. The rider who can correctly identify the shoes of all the other riders wins.
Exceptions: 1. When two or more male passengers are known to each other, brief eye contact and a knowing smile are acceptable after an attractive female, which they have both obviously eye-fucked, exits the elevator. One of the male parties is also allowed, but not required, to proclaim “Daaamn” after the doors have fully shut. The length of the ‘aaa’ shall correspond to the hotness of the female. A vulgar explanation of “what I’d do to that ass” is also acceptable. 2. Provided there are no other passengers on the elevator, a rider is allowed to stare down the blind guy, just for shits and grins. If, through some form of extrasensory perception, the blind guy notices, he is allowed to hit the other rider with his cane or allow his dog one free bite on a body part of his choosing. 3. See ‘Floor Requirements’

Getting off: Once the rider has reached his chosen floor he should promptly exit the elevator before allowing other passengers on. It may be necessary to use elbows and/or briefcases to fend off overanxious riders-to-be. Use force liberally.
Exceptions: 1. If the hot girl from marketing is getting on the elevator it is permissible to delay exiting long enough to ‘accidentally’ brush up against her.

I hope you enjoyed riding me as much as I enjoyed being taken for a ride! Signed, Your Elevator